starvingartist_ (starvingartist_) wrote in ana_any_way,

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2nd Post (late coming I know)

Sorry I haven't been posting, I'm just pretty disgusted with myself and the way that I've been acting.

I should be dead by now. 4 years? I'm "clinical". Four years of severe restricting and purging what I did eat, to binge and purge, back to restricting with the occasional binge. (I've stopped purging as much as I had) I've never reached a clinical weight, thus I've never lost my period. My ribs kind of stick out. My hipbones stick out. When I eat my stomach is so stretched from ANYTHING that it takes on a grotesque appearance.

I'm really messed up in the head, and I've got a lot of the physical symptoms: anemia, cold all the time, languo, and the hair on my head is thinning. But I still can't lose this damn weight. I'm at a cross roads right now. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of not being able to live my life, but damnit, do I really want to give up when I've worked this hard and still haven't achieved my goal? What does that say about me? That I'm not trying hard enough? That I'm a loser?

I don't know.

I'm tired of being sick, but I don't want to give up such a large part of me, and frankly I don't want to stop before I reach my goal, but what if I do, and then I can't stop?

I'm going to go sleep now. That way I won't have to add to the approx. 500 cals (not really a lot of volume) that I've had today. I have to wear a leotard tomorrow and I don't want to think about it.

Thanks for listening to my rambles.

Height: 5'2"
HW: 121 (5 years ago)
CW: ~112 (too scared to look)
LW: 107 (aug '03)
STG: 105
LTG: 100... maybe more, it depends on how I look then
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